Long Time

It's been a long time since I posted. Let's see...stats. I'm at 177.5lbs and 30% body fat. I'm involved in a Biggest Loser challenge at my gym and I'd like to lose 10% bodyfat and 22 (fat) pounds.

I'm kind of annoyed at one of the trainers at the gym. I went for my first Biggest Loser weigh in today. When I did the preliminary weigh in last week, I was told by another trainer that I should go weigh myself and tell her the weight. Like we all do in a lockerroom, I weighed myself in my underwear...today not only did the trainer weigh me herself, but she had me wear my clothes. I ended up being the same weight and she said, Well you should work harder. I wanted to smack her and say, excuse me - first of all...I'm wearing about a pound and a half of clothing so I did lose, second of all who are you to tell me I have to work harder? You've never seen me workout. You don't know what I do so don't tell me to work harder.
As my other trainer friend said, she doesn't know that I'm an endomorph working my butt off. I know I'll lose next week. And I want to lose big.

mixed feelings

Today I finally broke 170. It's been a long time coming. I hope that the next 10 lbs are a little easier. Though I know it's supposed to get harder as you get lower. I'm really happy that I've gotten this far. So far I've lost over 30lbs of fat and gained over 10 lbs of muscle. Net I'm at 21 lbs lost. I'd like to get to 150 so that I'm where I was in high school.

I'm having weird feelings...I keep looking back at Chris and my relationship...and seeing so many things that if they had been different, it would have worked. Today he mentioned that he was going to Colorado to visit his new girlfriend over spring break. I said, wow, I'm surprised that your mom is ok with that. And he said that his mom's relationship with her is a lot different than his mom's and mine...The thing is...it wasn't even my fault how she viewed me. It was because of her feelings towards Karen that I had to fight an uphill battle to win her favor. A battle that I never won, no matter how hard I tried. It was such a stressor on our relationship...and frankly, it frustrates me that the new girlfriend has it so easy...that I loved him so much and that wasn't good enough. If I had a clean slate like the new girlfriend then his mother would have liked me...but no...I came in with a dirty one because his mother didn't like my cousin. Part of the reason that our relationship failed was because of fights and many of them would not have happened had we both not been under stress about a parent not liking us. I found out after the relationship that my mom didn't think that he was good enough for me, but she never treated him as such or even hinted to me that she felt that way. It's just so frustrating. I want to find someone...someone who deserves me...someone who loves me and who I love in return.

progress

I was kind of disappointed because I only lost one pound this week to bring me to 172.5. However, I did lose 1.4% body fat so that means I actually lost 2 pounds of fat and gained a pound of muscle. That's pretty impressive of itself. I'm glad that I'm going on this journey. I know that I can make it to the end. As of yesterday's weigh-in I've gained 11 lbs of muscle and lost 28.5 lbs of fat for a net loss of 17.5 lbs. I know that I can break 170 by the end of the month and then I have 2 more months to get down to my goal weight. I know it will get harder with plateaus and everything as I go, but I'm going to fight to get to my goal weight and stay there. I can already see a change. My torso looks leaner and I can see my ribs a little if I suck in. My abs are pretty flat, except for the poochie. I think that is a part of my body that I will always have and will have to get used to. If only I could take the fat from there and move it up to replace the fat I'm losing from my chest. Oh well...if only the world were perfect right?

I'm going to see Atonement today and when I get back I'm going to walk for an hour and a half during the football game. Then I'll treat myself with the milk cream buns that Alex is picking up for me during the movie.

happiness

For motivation, I made a chain link of pounds to lose. I can't wait until I can take off that last link. I was so happy to take off 2 on Sat. I'm hoping that I can get down to 170 this weekend! Let's see if I can do it :-)

45,500

Unbelieveable as it may seem...this is the number of calories that I have lost. 13 lbs...It's just amazing. I can't wait until I can say that I've lost 175,000...that will be 50 lbs...getting me down to 140 :-D

motto

I've been trying to come up with a motto for my journey. "Just do it", is what gets me through each day and each work-out, but I felt like I needed something to encompass my life long goal. I found this one a poster with a gorgeous butterfly on it and I think it exemplifies the mental as well as the physical aspect of making such a large commitment to change my life. And so my new motto is "Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are, for what you could become."

I am ready to become something more than I ever dreamed of...

Success

Words cannot express the sheer joy I feel at this moment. It has been a rough 3 months since I said enough, but I have finally done it. I've lost my first 10 lbs. I couldn't believe it as I stood on the scale, the wave of happiness only hitting me in the shower as the water mixed with my tears of joy. Not so much joy at having reached this milestone, but in coming to the realization that I can do this and I have what it takes to fight hard enough to get what I want.