mixed feelings

Today I finally broke 170. It's been a long time coming. I hope that the next 10 lbs are a little easier. Though I know it's supposed to get harder as you get lower. I'm really happy that I've gotten this far. So far I've lost over 30lbs of fat and gained over 10 lbs of muscle. Net I'm at 21 lbs lost. I'd like to get to 150 so that I'm where I was in high school.

I'm having weird feelings...I keep looking back at Chris and my relationship...and seeing so many things that if they had been different, it would have worked. Today he mentioned that he was going to Colorado to visit his new girlfriend over spring break. I said, wow, I'm surprised that your mom is ok with that. And he said that his mom's relationship with her is a lot different than his mom's and mine...The thing is...it wasn't even my fault how she viewed me. It was because of her feelings towards Karen that I had to fight an uphill battle to win her favor. A battle that I never won, no matter how hard I tried. It was such a stressor on our relationship...and frankly, it frustrates me that the new girlfriend has it so easy...that I loved him so much and that wasn't good enough. If I had a clean slate like the new girlfriend then his mother would have liked me...but no...I came in with a dirty one because his mother didn't like my cousin. Part of the reason that our relationship failed was because of fights and many of them would not have happened had we both not been under stress about a parent not liking us. I found out after the relationship that my mom didn't think that he was good enough for me, but she never treated him as such or even hinted to me that she felt that way. It's just so frustrating. I want to find someone...someone who deserves me...someone who loves me and who I love in return.